


Mundane

by PanicFOB



Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:41:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22041232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PanicFOB/pseuds/PanicFOB
Summary: You’ve known Sebastian for nineteen years. Your days at Rutgers were spent killing time with him in between classes and staying up late to catch up on homework together. You never thought you’d drift apart after graduation, but you had. Now, your contact with the international star was few and far between, but you might be about to see him, like really see him, for the first time in ages.
Relationships: Sebastian Stan/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 37





	1. Prologue

**_December 2001_ **

“Why are you in your pajamas? I thought you wanted to come?” Jillian asked in that impossibly high pitch. She had the whiniest voice you’d ever heard, and you still hadn’t quite figured out if it was her actual voice or if she did it on purpose because she thought it was cute.

“I dunno, I have that article to work on tomorrow, and my bed is looking pretty comfy right now.”

“It’s the day before Christmas break. Surely you don’t want to spend it holed up in our dorm like a loser.”

She barely knew you, but somehow she knew that word, _loser_ , hit right where it hurt. You’d spent all of your high school years being a loner, never going out, never having fun, never taking risks, never making friends. You’d sworn to yourself that college would be different; yet, here you were at the end of your first semester, and not a genuine friend in sight. You definitely didn’t count Jillian as a friend.

It was this sad fact that had you saying, “Fine, I’ll go to the party.” You stood from your bed and glanced down at your Goofy Movie t-shirt and baggy sweats. “Don’t expect me to dress up though,” you told her as you pulled a hoodie over your shirt and slipped on some sneakers. Lastly, you pulled your hair into a high ponytail with a bright green scrunchie.

An hour later, you were at some house shared by three Rutgers seniors. Business majors, you thought you had remembered Jillian mentioning. She disappeared from your side the moment you walked through the door, and now you were on your own to navigate the wild world of a college party. After ten minutes of pointless wandering, you located the kitchen. A marble island was covered in glass bottles of every type of liquor you could imagine. At the counter, there were a couple of guys making mixed drinks. You had no idea about these sorts of things, so you decided to ask them if they might be so kind as to mix you one. You’d make sure and watch them closely the entire time, in case they attempted to slip something into your drink.

One of them, a tall guy with dark wild hair, a dimple in his chin, and an impressive jawline was stirring something in a glass that had floating cranberries.

“What’s that?” you asked as you approached.

“It’s called a White Christmas Cranberry Cocktail. Would you like one?” He had a very slight accent. His eyes met yours, and you noticed the lovely shade of his irises.

“I’d love one, thank you. How’d you get so good at mixing drinks?”

“How lame would it sound if I told you that I read in a book once that ladies are impressed by bartenders?”

You couldn’t help chuckling at his expense. “Pretty lame. Tell you what though, I have something that will even the playing field.”

He raised an eyebrow at you in question. You lifted the front of your hoody to show him the shirt you wore.

“Goofy Movie fan, huh? Well, that’s not so lame, except for the fact that you wore it to a party.”

He went back to mixing a drink for you. R&B music played loudly throughout the house.

“I’m Y/N, by the way,” you said, only now realizing that you hadn’t introduced yourself.

“I’m Sebastian. You can call me Seb though.”

“What’s your major, Seb?”

“I’m an acting student. You?”

“English.”

“And your year?”

“I’m a freshman,” you told him.

He handed over your pretty cranberry beverage. “Me too.” Sebastian then started pushing alcohol bottles out of the way until the counter was mostly cleared. He did a little hop and ended up sitting atop the marble surface. He patted the space next to him with his hand. “Want to join me?”

You climbed up on the counter a little less gracefully.

“So, how’d you hear about the party?” he asked before taking a sip if his own drink.

“My roommate dragged me along. I have no idea how she heard about it. You?”

“I overheard a few business guys talking about it in one of my classes. Invited myself.”

You looked at him with amazement. Never in your life would you have the guts to crash some party that nobody had brought you along to.

“That desperate to drink?” you teased him.

“No. It’s more that I needed to get a feel for the experience.”

“The experience of a shitty college party? Why?”

“If I’m going to be an actor, I need to be able to pull from real moments.”

“Ahh, I see. You’re going to be some big star someday, then?”

“Probably not, but I’m damn sure gonna try.”

“Being famous doesn’t really sound all that appealing to me.”

“It’s not the fame I crave, it’s the ability to work on any projects that I like. I want to be one of those actors that are begged to take roles, rather than me being the one doing the begging to get any part I possibly can.”

You glanced down at his left hand resting on the countertop, and instinctively, you placed yours over his in a show of comfort. “If you want it and believe it that strongly, then I have no doubt you’ll get there someday, Seb.”

He laughed. “You haven’t even seen me act. I could be fucking terrible.”

“I guess I’ll just have to watch you act sometime, then.”

“I guess so,” he agreed.

He watched you with those greyish blue eyes as you tipped your glass and finished the last of your drink. “Would you like another?”

“No, thank you. I have to be up early tomorrow for an article.”

“Article? It’s Christmas break. How could you possibly have homework?”

“It’s not for a class, it’s for The Daily Targum, the school’s newspaper.”

“How’d you already get a spot at the paper if you’re a freshman?” He looked pretty impressed.

“I wrote for my high school paper as well, so I already had a substantive portfolio.”

“Your writing any good?” You could see the lighthearted look in his eye as he asked it.

“I dunno, I guess you’ll just have to read it sometime to find out.”

“I guess so…. So, what’s the article that you’re writing tomorrow going to be about?”

“I have to attend the city’s Christmas parade and write a festive piece on it.”

“Going alone?”

“I had planned to.” You stared down at your lap as you quietly added, “I don’t really have any friends to ask to go with me.”

“How strange, I thought I was your friend.”

“We just met, Seb.”

“But only my friends call me Seb.”

“You told me to call you that.”

“Because I wanted to be your friend.”

You felt flustered but also very bubbly. You couldn’t tell if this delightful feeling was from the alcohol or from his enjoyable company.

“Fine. Seb, my dearest friend, would you like to go to the Christmas parade with me tomorrow and stand next to me as I silently observe every detail and take careful notes?”

“Sounds fantastic. Should I pick you up?”

You told him which dorm hall you were in, and he agreed to be there an hour before the parade was set to start. He stopped drinking as well in order to avoid a hangover in the morning, and the two of you continued to talk about classes and families and high school experiences until Jillian finally found you and asked that you drive her home.

You bid him goodbye, a reminder about the time of the parade on your lips, the warmth of a new friendship, a real friendship, in your heart.


	2. First Collection of Letters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't an official chapter but rather a collection of correspondences between the reader and Seb. There will be a few of these collections posted between chapters throughout the story. Make sure to pay attention to the dates in this story because the narrative isn't always linear. Hope you enjoy! :)

**_December 2005_ **

_Dear Seb,_

_I hope that filming for_ The Covenant _is going well. I told you that you’d make it big someday ;) I am a little sad that we couldn’t see each other this Christmas. That makes three years now that something has gotten in the way of our holiday traditions. I watched my favorite Christmas movie last night. You know, the one you loathe:_ The Polar Express. _Betty was cuddled in my lap the entire time, snoring louder than the whistle on the train in the movie. At one point, her tongue was hanging out of her mouth, and she got slobber all over my pajama set that you gifted me back in ’02._

_On a more serious note, I think there’s something I should tell you. I haven’t mentioned it to anyone else yet, but I think you should be the first to know. I want to move away. Somewhere far from my parents, far from New Jersey. I feel like I’m suffocating here. I need some wide-open space, something rural, where the air isn’t thick with smog. I haven’t decided on an exact location yet, but with that new columnist job that I got for that website, I can pretty much live anywhere with a good internet connection._

_If I’m being honest, the only reason I stuck around after graduation was for you. I hoped that if I stayed put I would get to see you just as often as I did during our sophomore year, but I know now that times have drastically changed since then. You’re a busy man, and I don’t resent you for that. I’ve just realized that it doesn’t really matter where I am, you’ll still be off in Canada or LA or wherever shooting the next big hit movie or show. So, I’m moving somewhere new and holding out hope that we might still get to spend next Christmas together._

_Your dearest friend,_

_Y/N_

##  *******

**_December 2004_ **

_Dear Y/N,_

_I’m such a fucking idiot._

_And I’m really really sorry for all of the hurtful things that I said and how we left things. I know that we had plans to spend Christmas together on campus since it’s our last year, but I’ve just been so stressed out about job prospects and trying to grab any auditions that I can during the breaks. I have a really good feeling about New York this December, and I promise you that when I finally get something solid, I’ll spend my entire first paycheck buying you all the chocolate in the world. Please don’t hate me for choosing my career over everything else._

_About what I said to you, I really didn’t mean it. You’re always so supportive of me, but I kept getting this feeling as of late that you were starting to resent me for going off and doing things without you. And it made me get defensive, like there was some part of you that didn’t really want me to succeed. So I lashed out and said the most hurtful thing I could think of. But it’s not true. You won’t spend your life working at some mundane job and living in some mundane town; you’ll do something spectacular, like I’m trying to do with my acting. I’ll be a famous movie star, and you’ll be a famous writer._

_I know what you’re thinking: “I told you I don’t want to be famous, Seb.” But I’m telling you that it wouldn’t be so bad if we were famous together._

_Last night, I fell asleep listening to that song that we danced to together back in ’02. What was it called? Oh yea,_ The Christmas Waltz _. That one always makes me think of you and your two left feet._

_Your dearest friend,_

_Seb_

##  *******

**_December 2003_ **

_Dear Seb,_

_Tell me all about London. I want to know everything there is to know. Have you gotten to visit Buckingham Palace? What about Big Ben?_

_Are you excited to work at the Globe Theatre next semester? I bet you’re stoked. I can just imagine it: you with your Romanian pout walking around Shakespeare’s theatre acting like you own the place. But when you act, you probably will own the place. Because your acting is a gift, a real treasure to watch, and you should always remember that and be a little prideful about it._

_As for myself, I’ve got another big story to work on for_ The Daily Targum _. You won’t believe who I get to interview! Dennis Lehane! You know, the author of that book_ Shutter Island _that we read at the end of the summer. I’m super nervous to speak with a legit author for the first time, but I’m really looking forward to getting to pick his brain about that novel. What a thriller!_

_Everything’s been a little lonely on campus without you here. No one to throw paper wads at me in the library, no one to bitch at for chain-smoking in my dorm (You better not be doing that in London either! It’s bad for you!), and no one to attend a party with for the sake of pretending like we’re normal college students. I’m desperately trying not to get all sappy here, but I fucking miss my best friend, Seb._

_But it’s just one year abroad, right? And then you’ll be back next summer and we’ll get to have the best senior year at Rutgers together. We’ll plan out our whole futures, and make extra careful about leaving an open spot for each other in our life-long schedules. Because no matter how busy things get, I’ll be there for you, and I know you would return the favor._

_I still hung your stocking over my mom’s fireplace. She looked at me like I was a little crazy, but mine just seemed so lonely without yours there right beside it. I hope that doesn’t sound weird, but I suppose it doesn’t matter because you already knew how weird I was from day one._

_Be well, Seb, and have a Merry (or should I say ‘Happy’ since you’re in the UK?) Christmas!_

_Your dearest friend,_

_Y/N_


	3. Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the first official chapter! Please enjoy and let me know what you think! :)

**_October 2019_ **

An incessant buzzing kept pulling you out of your meditative state. You tried your best to ignore it the first time, and the second, and the third. All you wanted was to get lost in the luscious trees at the peak of Turkey Mountain, two and a half miles into your five-mile hike. The slowly turning shades of yellow, orange, and red were a delightful mixture that remained in your eyes even behind closed lids. The deciduous trees would only be this pretty for another month, and then the leaves would fall, dead on the ground, rotting away. The trees would go dormant, hibernating like bears in the winter, and it would leave this little slice of the world looking rather drab. Perfectly mundane. But a colorless winter was always worth it, if only you got to appreciate Oklahoma in the autumn.

Your phone buzzed again for the fourth time. You stood from the large overlooking rock you’d been resting on and finally pulled the bothersome device out of your jacket pocket. An unknown number flashed on the screen. You declined the call and started back on the trail. Just before the narrow dirt path wound back west, you caught a final glimpse of the Arkansas River stretched out to the east of the mountain. The water was quite low now, but in the spring it would surely be flooding from constant downpours. It was just another thing you’d learned about the strange weather patterns of this state. Everything seemed unpredictable at first glance, but natural disasters actually occurred like clockwork around here.

##  *******

Back home, you kicked off your shoes in the entryway and tossed your jacket across the forever-unused chair in the corner of the living room. Alby greeted you with a few excited barks and a heavy thump of his tail against the hardwood floors. You gave him a loving rub on the top of his head, but you always felt a tinge of sadness when you looked into his large puppy eyes. You’d adopted him six months after Betty passed away last year, and you didn’t think you would ever be completely done grieving for her.

You heard buzzing again. It took you a moment to realize it was your cellphone, still placed in the pocket of your jacket that was now hanging on the back of that dusty chair. You abandoned your original mission of heading to the fridge to grab a snack, and you marched back to the phone with an annoyed attitude. When you dug the phone out, you were frustrated to find that the call was coming from an unknown number once again. Your finger hovered over the decline button once more, but then, you considered that whoever this was might not leave you alone if you never answered.

You pressed the green button and held the phone to your ear.

“Hello,” a deep voice came through first before you said anything.

“Who is this and why do you keep calling me?”

“Y/N! It is you!,” the voice sounded happy. “I was hoping you’d still have the same number.”

“I’ve had this number since cellphones existed, but that’s not relevant at the moment. Mind telling me who the hell you are?”

“You don’t recognize my voice?”

“I’m afraid not.” It wasn’t a lie. You had no idea what man would be calling you in hopes that you hadn’t changed your number.

“Y/N, it’s Seb.”

And your whole world seemed to spin. You hadn’t heard that voice in four years, so of course you wouldn’t have recognized it. Even more perplexing was why exactly you were hearing that voice now, after all this time.

“Sebastian?”

“My friends call me Seb,” he told you with humor in his voice. But you didn’t find it very funny.

“Was there a reason that you called?”

He was silent for a moment, and as you waited for his answer, you walked to the pantry and pulled out some granola and then grabbed some almond milk from the fridge.

“I was wondering what you’re doing today.”

You head tilted in confusion.

“Well, at the moment, I’m pouring a bowl of granola. Why do you ask?”

“You don’t have any plans?”

“Might do some writing later, but nothing else. Again, why do you ask?”

“I’m in Tulsa.”

You dropped the carton of almond milk, and it splattered across your kitchen before forming a puddle on the floor. Alby happily trotted over in the hopes of licking it up, and you had to shoo him away.

“You’re what?”

“I’m in Tulsa, and well…. I was wondering… I’m gonna be around for a little bit, and I know you have an extra room or two at your place. And it would be much preferred to stay somewhere more secluded like your house rather than at a hotel in the middle of the city… And I would really like to catch up, if you’re open to it.”

“You want to stay at my house? Tonight?”

“…. Yeah, I mean, I’ve stayed there in the past when I came to visit you, so I just thought it could be the same. And it would actually be for about a week, but if that’s too much, then I totally understand.”

“You thought it could be the same even though we haven’t talked in four years? You thought we could just pick up right where we left off? What a thought, Sebastian!”

“Ouch. I can tell you’re still very upset with me considering you refuse to call me Seb, but that’s why I wanted to stay with you. It would give us plenty of time to talk things through. Come on, Y/N. I promise I’ll make everything up to you.”

“I don’t know how you can make up for four years of silence,” you said with a bit of venom.

“Maybe I can’t, but I’ll definitely try if you just give me a chance.”

You sighed. “Why are you even in Tulsa? This is hardly a usual stop for you.”

“I had some business I needed to take care of, and it seemed like the perfect opportunity to reach out to you.”

“Business? How mysterious.”

“I don’t want to bore you with Hollywood stuff.”

You rolled your eyes. It was something he’d started doing once he signed on with Marvel. Not telling you the details of his life anymore and acting as if it might all go over your head. You used to love hearing about all the intricacies of an actor’s world, but Sebastian suddenly stopped sharing it with you, and that might have been one of the reasons that you ultimately lost touch.

“Where are you now?” you asked him as you mopped the milk up off the floor with a towel.

“I’m in Tulsa, remember? Has your memory gotten so poor in these last few years?” he was teasing you now, and really, he should have enough awareness to know that now was not the time to push your buttons.

“I meant where exactly in Tulsa, you dumbass.”

“Oh, I’m still at the airport. I’d just gotten off my flight when I called.”

You glanced around your house, taking a survey of the state it was in. Pretty organized if a little dusty. You supposed it was fit for company. “Fine. You can stay with me, but I swear to god Sebastian, it’s gonna take a lot more than a half-assed apology and some ill-timed jokes for me to forgive you.”

“Of course. I’ll see you in half an hour,” he said excitedly before hanging up.


	4. Second Collection of Letters

**_March 2006_ **

_Y/N,_

_You’re in Oklahoma?!! I barely even know where that’s located. What on earth would possess you to move there?_

_Do you already have a pet buffalo? What’s its name? And does Betty get along with it?_

_I can’t write much because I’ve gotta get back to set in a few minutes. I’ll visit you soon though, I promise! I need to see these buffalo with my own two eyes!!_

_Seb_

##  *******

**_April 2006_ **

_Seb,_

_Things are all set for you to visit! I’ve finally moved out of that dump of a rental and am now the proud owner of a secluded house in the Oklahoman woods :D Just be careful when you get here because it kind of looks like a place that someone might lead you to with the intent to murder you._

_I know, I know: I read too many true crime novels. Like you don’t._

_I already have an entire itinerary planned out for things we might do while you’re here. But then again, I know how much you enjoy lying low and relaxing indoors. We could always just do pizza nights and movie marathons like back at Rutgers. No smoking in my new house though!! I mean it!!_

_Betty is incredibly excited to see you again. She’s constantly going on about how much she misses you, and not even watching you on TV seems to appease her. Long distance is hard. For everyone._

_See you at the end of May,_

_Y/N_

##  *******

**_September 2016_ **

_Sebastian,_

_It’s hard to even find the words for how I feel right now. You were in Tulsa? And you didn’t even tell me? Didn’t even call to possibly grab lunch or something? I feel beyond hurt._

_I thought friends always made an effort to see each other if we were in the same city. I get that you’re always busy, always traveling, but the bare minimum that I’ve ever expected of you is to at least say ‘hi’ over a cup of coffee if you were close by. I would expect that of a friend, but I guess we aren’t friends anymore._

_Nice knowing you,_

_Y/N_


	5. Chapter 5

**_October 2019_ **

An old clock you’d purchased from an antique shop ticked on the wall above the television. You stared at it because you couldn’t bear to look at him. He was looking at you though, delivering a penetrating stare from his end of the couch. You fidgeted, restlessly picking at your fingernails. Still, he stared, and still, you did not look his way.

He cleared his throat. “I shouldn’t have come,” he conceded.

“Then why are you here?” you asked to the turning hands of the clock.

“I figured you’d be annoyed at me, but I guess I wasn’t expecting it to be _this_ awkward.”

“There’s your problem. You shouldn’t have had any expectations considering you haven’t even known me for the past few years, Sebastian.”

“Come one, Y/N. This is how it’s always been between us. We’re both so busy that we lose touch every once in a while, but we’re usually able to pick it right back up with ease. Why’s it so different this time?”

“Because this wasn’t us losing touch. This was you deliberately cutting me out of your life for some unknown reason.”

“That’s not what I was doing.”

“Oh? Please enlighten me then.”

“I don’t think it’s something I can just explain in a matter of moments.”

You clenched your jaw. “Did you ever get my last letter?”

“I did.” You could make out a tinge of sadness in his voice, but you chose to ignore it.

“And? How’d you feel when you read it? I’m curious to know, since you never responded.”

“I felt like the biggest asshole in the world.”

You hated how his eyes still remained on you. Sebastian usually averted his gaze when he was ashamed of himself, but now he stared at you determinedly, focused only on winning you over.

“That’s funny. If you felt so bad about it, why didn’t you bother to write an apology?”

“It’s complicated.”

You huffed and stood abruptly from the couch, walking to your bedroom and slamming the door closed. You slid down the length of it and sat on the floor, every inch of your body feeling numb. Your ears picked up the sound of his footsteps coming toward you down the hallway. They stopped just outside, and then you listened as he sat down as well. Back to back with only the thin wood door between you. It felt like a solid wall though, one that had never been a part of your friendship before.

##  *******

**_September 2002_ **

“You have the worst taste in music,” Sebastian said, and you pretended not to hear him over the drowning sounds.

“What was that?!” you shouted back at him.

He turned around, and you felt the warmth from his back pressed against yours leave you so suddenly. He delicately pulled your headphones off after removing his own. “I said!” he shouted, despite there being no need now, “you have the worst taste in music!” Other students spread out on the lawn shot you both annoyed looks.

You playfully smacked Seb upside the head. “Shush, you inconsiderate twat.”

He raised his hands defensively. “Not the face! It’s the money maker!”

You snorted. “Nobody is going to hire you when your head is the size of Texas, Seb.”

“You’re always so mean to me,” he whined. “Can’t you just be nice for one day?”

“You’re the one that was insulting my music.”

He dramatically plucked the Helen Reddy CD from your Discman and waved it in your face incredulously. “You can’t tell me with a serious face that this is good music.”

You narrowed your eyes and forced your mouth into a straight line. “ _I Am Woman_ is a national treasure and an anthem to women everywhere. Sorry if you and your penis can’t understand that.”

He looked appalled. “Hey! Don’t bring my penis into this!”

Now you were definitely getting strange looks from other students. You yanked the CD out of his grasp and wiped the fingerprint smudges away with the bottom of your shirt before putting it back into the Discman and tossing the whole thing into your backpack.

“Let’s go get lunch, loser,” you instructed as you stood.

“Such a bully, you are.”

“You’re the one that insisted we be friends.”

He smiled brightly. “And I never regret it, not for a single day.” He stood as well, latching his right elbow through your left and leading you toward the student union cafeteria.

##  *******

**_October 2019_ **

“What we had, or what we have, or whatever…. it’s always been so precious to me, and I thought it was the same for you, Sebastian. I just… I never thought in a million years you would throw it away so easily, and I tried making excuses for you, but nothing can excuse so many years of silence. I’m left at a loss of what to think, of what I might mean to you anymore.”

You held your breath, pressing your back firmly against the door.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered through the wood, and there was a clear breaking in his voice. “I’m the worst person in the world. I’m selfish and egotistical and so caught up in my own bullshit that I let the one person who truly cares about me despite all that think that I didn’t give a shit about her. I know you hate me, and I can’t begrudge you that because it’s so very deserved. All I can say is that those couple of years leading up to 2016 were a downward spiral for me, a swirl of all the worst kinds of decisions. But the strangest part was that they felt like the best decisions at the time, and now I’m finally reeling and realizing what a mess I made.”

Tears started to trail down your cheeks.

“I can’t forgive you,” you admitted.

You heard his breath catch in pain.

“But I miss you, Seb, and I’m tired of the silence, so I don’t want you to leave and I don’t want to spend the entire week ignoring you.”

You stood up and pulled the door open. He must not have been expecting it as he fell back against the floor. Your lips curved up into a smile you couldn’t help, the first one you’d expressed since he arrived.

“Want to watch a movie or something?” you inquired.

“Anything you want.” He sounded a bit breathless.

“Well, come on then.” You held out your hand to help him up. He looked at you for a moment, clearly surprised by your sudden kindness.

And when you’d each changed into comfy clothes and settled onto the couch, you weren’t sure if it was a subconscious nature, a muscle memory, or a deep longing that caused you to end up leaning against him with his arm around your shoulder. Somehow, despite not having seen the man in four years, it felt like the most ordinary thing to be this close to him.


	6. Chapter 6

**_January 2003_ **

“Don’t look now, but Talkative Tammy from Western Civ is staring,” you hissed at Sebastian who was sitting across the table from you. You expertly used a thick textbook on the wonders of the very first civilizations to hide your mouth as you whispered it so that the girl in question wouldn’t catch her name on your lips.

“First of all, I don’t think Tammy would appreciate that nickname, and second of all, I doubt she’s staring at us,” he returned with a hiss of his own.

“I guarantee she is,” you said with your eyebrows raised in a look of wisdom as you leaned back in your chair and stretched your legs.

“What makes you so sure?”

“She’s had the hots for you since day one of the semester.”

You watched the adorable blush creep onto his cheeks. “We’re only twelve days into the semester.”

“And for those twelve days, she’s made it painfully obvious that she wants to jump your bones, Seb. You should go give her your number.”

“I’m not going to do that.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Because… because…” he struggled for a moment to come up with any plausible reason, and your eyebrows rose even higher as you delighted in his stumbling. “Because this is all just speculation. What if I go over there and make a fool of myself and she’s not really interested at all?”

“I promise you won’t.”

“That’s not something you can genuinely promise, and I’m not willing to take the risk, so let’s just drop it.” He buried his nose into the latest play he was trying to get a leading part in.

You weren’t satisfied with his dismissal, however. You rolled up a sheet of useless notes you’d taken in math class and threw it at his face.

He delivered a seething look.

“Seb, you’ve only gone out with one girl since we started hanging out last year. You’re a catch, but you’re selling yourself short. You’ve gotta get out there more.”

“And how many dates have you gone on in the last year?”

“That’s different. I’m an introvert.”

He groaned and laid his head down against the library table, which had decades worth of couples names carved into it. You briefly wondered how many of them had lasted the test of time.

“You’re making my brain hurt, Y/N. Can’t we just do something relaxing today and not talk about girls and dates or all this fucking homework that neither of us are any closer to getting done?”

“We could order pizza and get drunk in your dorm.”

“God, that sounds incredible.”

“I’ll get the pizza, you call your usual guy about buying the alcohol for us, and I’ll meet you there in an hour.”

“Perfect.” He beamed at you for a moment as he stood. It was interesting, the look in his eye.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I could kiss you right now,” he said happily before abruptly walking off and heading down the library stairs.

##  *******

**_October 2019_ **

You woke up before Sebastian and decided to start a pot of coffee and toast a couple of bagels. He quickly rose and found you through the aroma of the caffeinated beverage, and you felt that tension once again. Despite it having evaporated for the duration of the movie and couch cuddling last night, it was back in full force, and you honestly had no idea what to talk about with him over breakfast.

“What’s your favorite thing about Oklahoma?” he asked.

“Honestly? The mundaneness.”

“What do you mean?” He looked so intrigued, so determined to explore this world that you had created for yourself in the middle of nowhere.

“That everything here is so un-extraordinary, so simple and drab and quiet, but all those things are what makes it beautiful and special.”

“I still don’t quite understand. All the times I visited before, you dragged me around to endless museums and zoos and aquariums and shops and restaurants. It all seemed rather exciting to me, and the very opposite of mundane.”

You cringed a little. You knew he meant no harm in the statement, but it only brought you back to that fight you’d had just before Christmas break in your senior year at Rutgers. Sebastian had told you that you were doomed to live a mundane life, and for so many years, you’d been determined to prove him wrong, to show that your world could be just as extravagant as his despite moving to a rural state. Now, that very thing that he had used to hurt you had become your comfort zone.

“Come, on. I’ll show you what I mean.” You grabbed his hand and led him to your back yard. Once outside, you stretched out on your back against the coarse Oklahoma grass and red-tinted dirt. He looked a little perplexed but joined you without question.

After a long silence in which you admired the puffy white clouds that hid the bright sun today, Sebastian whispered, “What am I supposed to be doing exactly?”

“Listening, smelling, observing, feeling. Losing yourself. Taking it all in. Tell me a single time when you could feel this exposed and free and perfectly yourself in New York or LA?”

He inhaled deeply a couple of times, turned his head to watch the tree line of the woods that surrounded your property. You studied his face the entire time, waiting to see if it would set in, if he would understand just how spectacular all the ordinary things could be. When he spotted a rabbit darting across crisp fall leaves that sprinkled the ground, his eyes crinkled in joy, and you suddenly saw your very best friend in the world again for the first time in ages.

##  *******

**_January 2003_ **

A ridiculous giggle erupted from your throat. You clamped a hand over your mouth, embarrassed that Seb had heard such a noise come from you. But when you glanced at him to see his reaction, you realized he’d dozed off. The movie was only halfway over, and you didn’t want him to miss all the best parts, so you nudged his shoulder.

The way his face rose through the realms of sleep and into the world of consciousness was a gorgeous sight. His eyelids fluttering, his face flushing, his long legs and arms instantly going into an exaggerated stretch. You could watch those same five seconds on repeat for eternity and never grow uninterested.

“Hey,” he said softly once his steel-blue eyes were fixed on you.

You were drunk, so it was really hard to say whether you had leaned forward first. But all you remembered is Seb leaning as well and meeting you. His perfect lips tasting like pizza and vodka and cigarettes, but also something so delicious and so obviously Seb. You loved it, this higher form of intoxication than the drinks could have ever provided. For that brief moment, you let yourself believe that you might actually be the woman on this man’s arm as he rose to fame and became a celebrated actor.


	7. Chapter 7

**_October 2019_ **

“What happened to Betty?”

“She got cancer last year. There was a surgery, but it didn’t save her. She was old. It was time, I suppose.”

Sebastian ran his right hand over the puffy sleeve covering your left forearm. “I’m so sorry, Y/N.”

You didn’t respond. It still stung like vinegar in a wound that you hadn’t been able to call your best friend and cry about Betty passing away. Now, the two of you walked down a paved park path, Alby tugging excitedly at the leash you held in your right hand. It was colder today than it had been so far this season, and you figured the last of the autumn leaves would hit the ground any day now.

“Alby seems pretty great though,” he said to break the awkward silence.

You couldn’t help but smile because your new dog really was spectacular. As much as you were reluctant to get attached after having your heart broken by Betty, you couldn’t ignore his bright and youthful eyes and the way his tongue always seemed to be hanging freely out the side of his large mouth. “He’s wonderful.”

The wind picked up, and you regretted your choice to leave your hair down. It now whipped wildly around you, and you caught Sebastian’s look of delight at how ridiculous you must appear. He pulled out his phone and snapped a photo before you could object.

“Delete that.”

“Not a chance. I haven’t gotten a new photo of you since 2014.”

“Whose fault is that?”

“Mine, I know. But still, you look lovely in this.” He held the phone out to show you, and you were surprised to see that the wind had given you that elegant goddess vibe rather than the more realistic crazy person vibe you had assumed the photo would emanate.

“Fine, you can keep it, but we’re taking one together as well.”

Sebastian glanced down at the raggedy jacket he’d been holding onto since 2006. “I look like a complete loser right now.”

“That’s because you are a loser. We’re still taking the picture, Seb.”

As you pressed your cheeks together and grinned like fools, you wondered for the millionth time how everything had fallen apart so spectacularly. Nothing in your memory could explain why Sebastian had ghosted you the way he did.

##  *******

**_January 2003_ **

You slipped your Nokia into the back pocket of your jeans after shooting Seb a quick message that read, “Sorry I had to leave before you woke up. I remembered that I still had a few paragraphs for an article that’s due tomorrow.” You approached the door to your dorm room and were happy to see your good friend from Creative Nonfiction Writing sitting in the hallway waiting for you.

“Thank god you’re here, Celeste.”

“Is this a real emergency or like the time you tripped and fell in the quad and were worried that at least five people might have witnessed it happening?”

“It’s far more dire than that, I swear.”

You unlocked your door and led her over to the full-sized bed that you now had in your single dorm room without a roommate.

“What’s up?”

“Seb and I kissed last night.”

Her eyes grew very large. “You’re joking.”

“I wish I were. We were both tipsy and sleepy and full of pizza and I don’t even understand how it happened, but it did. I’m freaking out. I don’t know what to do. What if this ruins us?”

“What did he say after you kissed?”

“Neither of us really said anything. We just sort of cuddled in his bed and then fell asleep. I woke up before he did this morning and bailed.”

“Jesus. That’s like the worst thing you could have possibly done.”

“I needed advice before I had to actually talk to him about it.”

“Well…. How do you feel about the kiss? Do you want to be with him as more than a friend?”

Your mind was racing. Of course, any woman would be lucky to be with Seb in that way. He was gorgeous. Incredibly smart. Incredibly funny. And so very talented and passionate about his dreams. You’d been in love with him almost from the start, and maybe a kiss like that would have been perfect, a fairytale moment, if Seb wasn’t Seb and you weren’t you.

“He’s going to be an actor, and I could never be in the spotlight,” you finally uttered.

Celeste raised an eyebrow. “That doesn’t tell me how you feel about him.”

“It doesn’t matter how I feel about him. I could never be with someone who will always be gone for filming, who will be followed by paparazzi constantly, who will never have any privacy, who will live only for their work and a fast-paced lifestyle. He may be only a college student now, but I know Sebastian will make it big someday, and I could never be the doting and supportive woman on his arm. That’s just not me. We would be terrible together. We’d make each other miserable. We’re better off as friends.”

“I think you’re overthinking this way too much. Why not just date for a bit and see how things work out?”

“Because it’s our friendship and our careers on the line. I’m putting those first.”

##  *******

**_October 2019_ **

You grabbed the towel that you always left sitting by the door and hastily wiped Alby’s paws before he could track mud across your clean floors. Sebastian offered to cook something for dinner, and you removed your coat before pouring yourself a glass of wine and relaxing on the couch.

Silence filled every inch of your house once more. It was only the third day of Sebastian’s visit, but you were already growing impatient with his vagueness and lack of explanation for why he treated you the way he did. As he sautéed some vegetables and boiled some rice, you gnawed on your bottom lip, growing irritated.

“Just tell me why you did it, Seb. I need to know why you cut me out of your life,” you blurted out.

He glanced up from the pot he was stirring. Long seconds passed. He looked back to the boiling water before he said, “I almost switched to business for you.”

Your eyebrows quirked. “What on earth are you talking about?”

“I almost changed my major to business. Something dependable, something stable, something boring. I almost studied something I had no interest in, just so you would allow yourself to love me.”

Your heart seemed to slow, and the world slowed with it.

“I don’t understand. Sebastian, stop being vague and just tell me exactly what you mean.”

“You accidentally called me the day after we kissed. Your phone must have been in your pocket or something, but I heard you talking to Celeste. You could never be with an actor. You said that, right?”

“You told me you didn’t remember anything from that night we got drunk in your dorm.”

“I was lying. You clearly wanted to pretend it didn’t happen. You never wanted to be the woman on my arm, so I gave you an out. We ignored it. I tried to forget that precious memory, tried to forget how I felt about you, but it seemed to hang over every moment between us. Then, I talked to my advisor about switching to business. I thought we could surely be together if you knew that I wasn’t going to have a career as an actor. I was so close to doing it, but my advisor warned against it.”

Your entire body felt numb. All this time, he had known those things you had said about him to Celeste. It was humiliating but also heartbreaking. You had almost been the very thing to stop his inevitable success. You had almost prevented his dreams from coming true. All because Seb wanted to be with you, but you could never be with an actor.

“Is that why you stopped talking to me? Because I almost ruined your career.”

“No. It was because no matter how many films I shot or how many women I dated, no matter how successful I became, nothing ever seemed to matter so much in my mind as you. Even in the chaos of Hollywood, my mind focused on you, and I convinced myself that the only way to turn it off was to cut things off between us for good.”

Your brain had barely processed the information that Sebastian had been in love with you in college, but now it was working overtime to comprehend the fact that he had remained in love with you throughout all the years of your friendship.

“Why’d you come back, then?”

“Because I’ve gotten everything I’ve ever wanted from my career. I’m tired of putting it first. Now, I want to put this twisted and broken thing between us first and see if we can mend it enough to make it work better than it ever has.”


	8. Third Collection of Letters

**_July 2007_ **

_Sebastian Stan, what have you done to your hair?! Please tell me you were held against your will and your head was forcefully dipped into a vat of bleach. And if you say it was for a part, well I hope they were paying you a pretty penny because You. Look. Hideous. And I mean that in the most friendly and endearing way._

_I hope things are going well in the industry. And at home as well. Tell your mother I said hello! I’m still living that fabulous rural life here, but I’m working on some big articles for the website. I’m writing a memorial piece for Steve Irwin and am doing phone interviews with some high profile people that had had the chance to meet him. It’s all very sad, but I’m really trying to capture his wonderful spirit in my piece._

_Any new gigs you can tell me about? Or new girls? Although I doubt you’ve had any offers with that hair (I know I’m dogging on you quite a bit, but it’s just so incredibly jarring to see you as a blonde.). Anyway, Betty sends her love, as always. It’s been over a year since we’ve caught up in person, so we’ll have to arrange something soon. Maybe I can visit the big city this time._

_Your dearest friend,_

_Y/N_

##  *******

**_August 2007_ **

_Y/N,_

_Yes, it is for a part. Yes, they are paying me a pretty penny. And if you keep making smart remarks about it, I’m going to be forced to bring up the time that you wanted your hair cut like Meg Ryan in_ You’ve Got Mail _, and it came out looking terrible. I know you swore me to never mention it, but you’re really coming at me hard with the insults about my blonde locks._

_And I actually got an amazing gig that I’m stoked to tell you about! It’s a TV show that’s expected to be super popular with teens and young adults, and they’re saying it’s almost guaranteed to get more than one season._

_I can’t wait to read the article about Steve Irwin. I always look forward to reading your stuff. I even have this new phone set to where it will alert me when a new article of yours is posted._

_You in New York sounds like a dream come true to me. I’ll call you soon to pan out the details. We’ll make it work, I promise._

_Also, thank you so much for the gift you sent for my birthday! I loved it! After all these years, you still know exactly what to get me to make me smile._

_Your dearest (and blondest) friend,_

_Seb_

##  *******

**_December 2015_ **

_Sometimes I wish I had never met you at that party. I wish I wasn’t sitting here in a dark hotel room on Christmas day, far from anyone I love, regretting who I am. I wish that I could love any of these women who would be thrilled to be with a busy actor. Instead, I’m doomed to love you forever as you live your happy life in the secluded woods. Writing your perfectly crafted words behind a computer screen and having no care for parties and pleasantries. No care for social dynamics and fame._

_I once told you that I didn’t want to be famous, and I think I believed it at the time, but it wasn’t true. I wanted fame so badly, it burned in my soul, driving me to stick with acting after all, not to choose your love. Only now do I hate fame, and that makes me so very ordinary, so very typical celebrity. Working my entire life to get to something, only to complain about it once I’m there. I just wish I could have meant it when I said at nineteen that notoriety didn’t matter to me. Maybe things would have been different. Maybe we would be together, and I would be acting as a hobby in some crappy theater while working as a CEO on weekdays. And we’d live together in some suburb or something. Happy as can be._

_Doesn’t really sound like us, does it?_

_I don’t know where I’m going with this letter. I’d meant to say a proper goodbye, to give an explanation before I ended things for good, but now I’m only rambling about how much I’ve always loved you and how much the thought of what could have been truly pains me. You don’t know how I feel about you. You’ve never known._

_And you’ll still never know, because I’ll never actually send this._

_Goodbye, Y/N._


End file.
